Tricky Keg Stands

A response to Jeff Simmermon's July 13, 2008 blog post   (i won the bet!)

Jeff,

I hate to break it to you, buddy, but they were fucking with you. You started off all T.O.'d because you had to take your g/f to her dance lesson (Seriously, is she 12?) You walked in with your stink face on, tossed your card at the cashier and proceeded to order off menu. You should have just said, "I'm a cranky bitch. Please, fuck with me."

The guy wasn't holding dear to strict policies or trying to make your day a little better by serving you a good coffee. No. He was giving you a test. It's a simple test, really. If you're cool, you pass. Otherwise, you break and everyone behind the counter gets a good laugh.

After you managed to make a fool of yourself, the barista said, "Hey man. What you’re about to do... that’s really, really Not Okay. This is our store policy, to preserve the integrity of the coffee...."

That is when you had the chance to totally redeem yourself.

Appropriate Response #1: "Yeah, but I bet its still a thousand times better than that hooker spit they serve at Starbucks."

Appropriate Response #2: "Integrity? I just got done finger banging my best friend's wife while he was out getting us sandwiches... Integrity shmihtegrity... Smell my fingers."

But, no. You got even more pissed off. I'm sure the look of horror, anger, and boiling rage on your face was priceless. Everyone was happy. High-fives were thrown around and everyone got on with their day.

My favorite part of the story is where you went back for a second drink. You were all fired up and prepared for a fight. You know what? Those guys had no idea who you were when you walked up to the register. The situation that got you so riled up was insignificant. They didn't remember. They didn't care.

But, boy did you show them with your fancy tip. I mean, really, who doesn't love a good passive aggressive note? You really got them! oh, wait, no, they got your dollar... never mind.

Seriously, let's all take a second to think about the real victim here. Your poor girlfriend had to listen to your whiney ass bitch about this for days. I can only imagine how much her eyes rolled when you sent her the link to your blog entry. Bless her heart.

Always and forever, Jordan

Coming Clean

Well... I didn't really write this to join in with the weenies bitching about coffee and customer service. The real reason was to win a bet. I had to put a story on my site that used the phrases, "Hooker Spit" and "Finger Bang" and receive a comment. The kicker is the comment could not be related to sex or those two phrases, it had to come from a complete stranger who has never hit this site, and it had to show up in less than 24 hours. I won and I have a 7 year-old Twinkie to prove it.

The following comment from a reader and my response explain it best:

from: e. to: me date: Sun, Jul 20, 2008 at 3:22 PM subject: So let em get this straight

The guys at Murky Coffee have two responsibilities, according to you: 1. Make coffee 2. Test their customers to see if they are "cool enough" to be served with respect.

Am I getting this right?

Your pal, E.

from me to E. date Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 6:02 PM subject Re: So let em get this straight

Sadly, you are incorrect. I haven't seen the Murky Coffee employee handbook so I can't guess their responsibilities or core values. I just re-read the post... I'd say you missed the point. Bored employees will screw around with customers. If you're the customer, you should pick up on the game and win. You deserve no sympathy if you didn't notice the humor and simply whine and complain. A note scribbled on a dollar bill? really?

However, the real point of the story was someone bet me to use "hooker spit" and "finger bang" in a story on my site and get a comment from a reader that didn't mention my use of those phrases. Your comment just won me a 7-year-old twinkie.

Thanks!