Tricky Keg Stands

Elevator Ride, July 24, 2008

A very attractive woman appeared out of nowhere while I was waiting for the elevator. Hurried and stressed, she texted with one hand, fixed her shoe with the other, and balanced her gigantic gym bag on a fragile shoulder. She reminded me of a methed out Chinese acrobat with really good teeth and an agenda.

DING!!! "Going UP!"

The doors slid open and the elevator hit us with a wall of stink. Old cigarettes, Jimmy John's sandwiches and what might be described as a combination of strawberry body butter and hot trash.

Two women were already on the elevator. Each practically leaning on the buttons with their arms crossed and somehow still sucking on 32 oz styrofoam cups. They could have selected their floor and scooted to the back of the elevator but, no. That's too much work.

As we walked in I threw out the, "Are you going to move or am I going to have to shove my arm in there to press my button?" look.

Neither one could be bothered with moving so I squeezed in there and hit thirteen. I looked at the stressed out little hottie and asked, "Which floor?"

"Seven, please."

I hit seven. The doors closed. I leaned against the back wall and popped in a piece of gum.

Both women were eying little-miss-cutie-pants up and down. One with kind of a scowl, the other with a classic case of stink face.

DING!!! "Seventh Floor! Going UP!"

The cutie adjusted her ginormous bag and left the elevator. The doors slid shut.

Stink face says to scowl head, "What I wouldn't do for a body like that."

Scowl head takes one look at stink face and says, "Apparently, you wouldn't eat right, exercise, or make healthy choices."

The gum fell right out of my mouth.