Something Funny Happened Today

2014 01 17

(This was hilarious in my mind. It happened in 2009)

I was out to lunch with some work friends (sadly, not really friends, just cool people I would have liked to have hung out with outside of work) and someone at the table said, "What are you doing for Yom Kippur today?" I had no idea it was Yom Kippur but I was 2 vietnamese coffees deep so I said the first thing that came to mind. I was reading "American Psycho" and the only thing in my brain about Yom Kippur was "day of atonement" so I said, "Oh, I don't know, I'll probably watch Atonement and return it along with some other video cassette tapes."

Nobody knew it was a joke.


This page is taking a dark turn. Some background - 1) I was doing outdoorsy stuff with some friends last weekend. 2) I do not drive behind school busses because during the summer when I was 16 I saw the aftermath of a highway accident where a car crashed into and under the back of a school bus. Later, I heard the driver died. From the look of the car, I'm sure he lost his head. I still refuse to follow school busses on the highway.

Back to 1) I'm doing outdoorsy stuff and I don't have an adequate coat (it is January. I am a dumbass.) My friend says, "I might have a coat that fits you." And he does, and it is warm and it is much too big for him. A few hours later I ask about the oversized coat i'm wearing and he says he's not sure if he should tell me and I say oh great, you've got to tell me now. He says that his friend died in a car accident and his friend's father needed to get rid of all his dead son's things because it hurt too much but he didn't want to throw away a perfectly good coat. He gave it to my friend who didn't dare tell him it didn't fit.

My friend asked if that weirded me out and I said no unless he was wearing the coat when he died which is exactly when my friend said he was not because his friend was decapitated when he drove under the back of a school bus on the highway. It was some kind of mess and anyway it was summer so there's no way he was wearing a thick, warm coat.


Taco Truck!


I was driving through the parking garage looking for a space this morning. I pulled around a blind corner and saw a woman with her 2 bags right in the middle of the drive. She froze, wide eyed. I slammed on the brakes. I wasn't anywhere near her and I wasn't going fast, but she yelled something unintelligible anyway. I gave her the stink eye. She kept yelling, so I rolled down the window and said, "Are you kidding? You're going to yell at me? You are in the middle of the damn road in a blind spot. You should be thanking me for being awake enough to stop."

She said, "You need to be more careful."

I said, "You need to stop talking because... I'll slap a ho."

Keeping it klassy, always.


I have been working way too much for the last 2 months. I managed to get stuck with even more work this week. Fucking awful, really. The crazy schedule and stress was giving me some interesting dreams, but none of them came close to the one I had last night.

I was being chased through dark city streets. I ducked into a trashed apartment building and booked it up 8 flights of stairs. I wound up in what looked like a teenage girl's bedroom. It was bright and ridiculously neat - white furniture, yellow flower prints, wallpaper borders, etc. Whatever was chasing me was bashing into the door. The frame was coming away from the wall and the door was splitting. I needed a way out, quick.

I gutted a pillow and some stuffed animals (mostly, white rabbits) and threw everything on the bed. Then I unzipped my body, scooped out my innards and replaced them with stuffing. Arms, legs, everything but my head. I zipped up and flung myself out the window to a nice, soft landing 4 floors below. I looked up at the window and said to myself, "Awww crap... I left my guts up there."



A guy in a hearse just stopped me on the street to tell me I have a twin brother named Steve who works at St. Louis Cremation.


"For your safety and to help prevent the spread of germs and disease, [we] have installed motion activated faucets and hand dryers in the bathroom."

Great, except you still have to pull open the door to leave. Now you can't even get a paper towel for that.


Something happened today that reminded me of something funny that happened in May of 1999. So, I'm going to write about that.

Still with me? Great. It was a weekday, around 2pm, mid-May, 1999. I had just finished my last final of my college career. Senior year finals week was particularly brutal for reasons I cannot remember. I do, however, remember completely rocking my final final. Like it was yesterday, I can see myself handing the T.A. my answers, thanking him, and quietly closing the door behind me so I wouldn't disturb the poor schmucks who didn't finish first.

It was a beautiful springtime day. The sun was shining through the hallway windows and I was finished. FINISHED. In that moment I realized I had nothing to do for the next 90 days. NOTHING. My work study job was over. My grown-up job didn't start for three months, I didn't have a serious girlfriend for the first time since 8th grade, and I had zero plans. ZERO. I was completely free for the first (and last) time in my life. It felt fucking great.

I turned the corner and immediately ran into Dave Dishler. We all know a Dave. He's that guy that can't shut up. Super nice guy, not a mean bone in his body, but seriously... "blah blah blah blah blah blah," for hours on end about absolutely nothing. How these people talk without pausing for a breath amazes me.

I knew Dave because someone in my ska band happened to go to high school with him and may or may not have banged his little sister. Apparently, this meant we had things in common and tons to talk about.

I spent 3 years of my college career going out of my way to avoid him. Not because he was the president of the Ham radio club, but because you couldn't just say hi to the guy. I'd get cornered, say hi, and spend the next 10 minutes trying to get the fuck away. It was awful in every way. Nicest guy, though.

Of course, the first thing that went through my head when I turned the corner was, oh shit... run. Then I thought of something more interesting. Sort of an experiment. I said, "Hi" and looked at my watch.

At that point, I pretty much blanked out. There was much smiling and nodding but I made it a point not to say a single word. Not a peep. I shifted my weight, folded my arms, unfolded them, scratched my head, and nodded some more, but I did not say a single word after, "Hi."

As time slowly drug on he seemed to be getting annoyed. He started checking his watch a little more often. He began to look over my shoulder as he talked. Then it happened. He stopped talking.

He dramatically looked at his watch and said, with sort of a tone, "You know what, Jordan. It's been great talking to you here in the hallway, but I need to get going. You made me late for work."

I shrugged. He spun around and hurried out the door. I checked my watch. 53 minutes.


I had some crazy ass dreams last night. One took place at high school, sophomore year. In it I opened my locker using the combination 12-27-18. I don't really remember what happened in the dream after that, but I do remember the combination.

I kept the lock because it was awesome (I spray painted it bright orange.) After breakfast I dug it out of a box of old H.S. stuff to see if the combination was right.

It wasn't.


On the slopes in Breckenridge I saw another snowboarder who was doing some sick tricks. He was in and out of the trees, jumping, spinning, etc. A girl was following him on skis egging him along. That's when I noticed... He only had one real leg. The other was some sort of bionic graphite looking doo-dad with a shock absorber in it and a boot. It was unbelievable.

? and I ended up behind him in the lift line. His girlfriend was on her skis, holding poles in one hand, drinking a red bull with the other, and helping him along. If you aren't familiar with snowboarding, you have to make like a skate boarder and push with one leg to get around on the flats... I can imagine that's sort of a pain in the ass when you only have one leg. And, why bother when you've got a little hottie on skis to push you around? He was quite the inspiration.

It was a 4 seat lift. They were waiting for the right 2 seats and he seemed like he had everything under control. It didn't seem like a big deal if we hopped on with the two of them. We headed for the left side. We were a little behind when the gates opened to signal it was time to head for the chair. That's when the hilarity began.

Instead of keeping to the right, they went straight for the middle. I got shoved to the left and pushed ? even further over. The lift operator was like, "woah... Woah... WOAH! PAY ATTENTION!"

Next thing I know, I was seated where ? was supposed to be. The one-legged snowboarder was on my lap and half-falling under the chair. Without a word, I wrapped both my arms around his waist, picked him straight up and sat him on the chair to my right.

He looked at me and said, "Hey, bro, thanks. I didn't see you there."

The girl took a swig of her red bull, leaned forward and said, "That was pretty sick. Is your friend allright?"

I turned around and saw ? on the next chair, waving. "Yep, she looks ok to me."

He looked me up and down. "Say, bro, you got a pipe with you?"


Saw this on my way to band practice


The garage at work is locked so people have to swipe in to get to their cars. I was walking to my office, and therefore leaving the garage this morning when i opened the door and nearly hit the guy on the other side. I didn't say anything, but I did hold the door for him.

He looked at me, swiped his card and said, "I can't get my card to work."

Still holding the door, I tilted my head and said, "You want to try my card?"

He looked at me right in the eye and said, "Yeah, if you don't mind." While holding the door open, i handed him my card. He swiped it and the light turned green.

"Thanks buddy." He handed my card back to me as he walked through the door I was holding open for him.


I see a pair of legs hanging out of the dropped ceiling and a ladder leaning against the wall about 10' away. I stop and call up to the guy, "You need your ladder or something?"

"Hey buddy!" It sounded like he's been smoking since he was 6. "No ladder, but can you do me a favor?"


"Hold on to this pipe for a second." He lowers an end of a copper pipe and tosses me a rag. "It's gonna get real hot." I hear him light a torch. "Hold it with that rag."


"You gotta keep it straight." He hacked up a lugie and spit it somewhere in the ceiling. "Dead Nuts Straight... Hold that shit dead nuts straight."

Dead nuts straight? Must be a technical term.

"Ok, that's good. Let it go." He jiggles the pipe from above. "That's tits! Thanks buddy."


One of the on-site shredder guys was talking on a white courtesy phone in the hallway holding his big, blue, locking shred bag. He said, "No shit you didn't recognize the number. I shredded my cell phone, again."


The party was so good I had to throw away my shoes.


Someone found The Biggest Zit You Ever Did See by googling "is campho phenique okay to put on a pimple?" Tricky Keg Stands comes up #3 for that search... That cracks me up.


Manhunt - too long, got its own page.


Eleveator opens. Two paramedics and a guy on a gurney are already in there. A lady and I squeeze in next to the stretcher.

Lady says, in a thick St. Louis accent, "Wow! I sure do feel shart next to all you guys."

We all smile and nod accordingly. She gets off at the next stop.

Paramedic 1 says, "Did she just say, 'shart'?"

Paramedic 2, "That's probably why she got off the elevator so quick."


There's this blood drive that periodically sets up in a high traffic area in the hospital. I pass by it every time I take a walk. There is this one guy who works there who will try to recruit people if there's no one in line. Nice guy, no big deal, but I don't give blood during work. How many times do I have to say, "sorry?" After about the 5th time i was done.

Here's how it went down. A couple months ago Blood Drive Guy calls out to me, "There's no one in line, would you like to give today?"

I walked up, gave him a look and quietly said, "I really want to give blood, but I can't." This caught him totally off guard.

A few weeks later he was back. I walked by and he's like, "There's no one in li.... oh, it's you." I nodded and kept walking. He continued, "Hey there, how's it going?" Like we were grade school chums. I couldn't pick this guy out of a line up but he recognized me. Wha?

Today was the kicker. They were back again, except this time the guy had a helper. He saw me turn the corner. Now, I can't normally read lips, but this time it was obvious. He turned to his apprentice, shook his head and said, "He won't be giving blood." When I got closer he stopped me, "Hey buddy, how are you feeling today?"


While getting ready to leave The Olive Garden:

"Go ahead and put your breadstick in my box when he comes with it."


God daaam I wish I had a camera... I was walking down a hallway that is behind doctor offices. Kind of like the employee corridor in the mall. It's almost always empty except for today. There was one, off-white waiting room chair sitting near a door way with a piece of paper with red magic marker writing stuck to it: ::'''NEEDS CLEANING! (return to urology)''':: That's when I noticed the big yellow stain.


Walking outside. See a guy huched over a trash can. He's tore, dry heaving, wearing a long purple velvet woman's coat. He looks up, wipes his mouth (i've never seen so much white crust around someone's mouth before.) Falls through some bushes and makes his way to the bus stop.

Some guy was walking near me says, "That's how I felt Sunday morning."


I just saw a pale pink k car convertible.


Seriously, i love working in a hospital. Today I was walking through the lobby when I noticed an old guy standing right in the middle of the lobby tucking his shirt into his pants. He was wearing some sort of draw-string khakis so he had to untie the string to tuck. About half way through the tuck his pants came down and his junk flopped right out.


I'm driving at the same place where I saw the donkeypunch (see below). I notice the older guy in an older pickup behind me, but no big deal. Next thing I know, I see him swerve right into the newer landcruiser that is to my right. It is 9 degrees out so the l.c.'s bumper explodes. I have no idea what's going on, but I know my car is getting showered with flat, white pieces of something... It felt like a big sheet of ice flew off a truck in front of me. I eventually realize they're parts of the l.c. hitting my car. woah.. I pulled over to check my car. People, car, etc. were fine and it was 9 so I left.


I was taking a walk thru the hospital and noticed some guy strutting across the lobby carrying a bottle of aquafina. He strutted right on over to the ATM and proceeded to ralf violently in the trash can that sits next to it. He took one swig of the water, swished it around, SWALLOWED, and strutted right back to the elevators.


Fun cell phone conversations overheard while walking around the hospital today:

A nurse waiting for the elevator talking to someone on her cell phone after a smoke break: "That will be great. You can keep the prescription and the \$200. Then you can shove that f'in bottle so far up your....."

I park between a bus depot and a metro stop. I see a guy walking toward me completely losing his shit carrying 2 bags and pulling some luggage behind him. When he gets within ear shot I notice him looking past me and saying, "Yes, I see you. you are fucking right there staring right at me, and no I don't fucking think that i am way too fucking far away, the metro isnt even here, yet."


I watched an old toyota donkey punch a mini van on the highway. It wasn't awful, just hard enough to pop the airbags in the toyota. As I drove by you should have seen the toyota's driver. He had the airbag in his lap and he was just looking around with the most precious, "wha????" look on his face. You had to be there, but trust me. it was hiiiiilarious.

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